Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The air was thick with penises
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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