The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
