i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
