fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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