when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
