just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
