i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
