Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
