So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
