Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
