I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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