after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
