my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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