Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
