if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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