You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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