dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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