I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
