So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
