She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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