Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
