I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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