sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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