We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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