How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
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I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
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He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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