you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
