I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
