Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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