Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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