Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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