Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
