It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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