I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
