I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
