Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
