I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
