just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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