I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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