I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
