I got chris browned last night
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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