Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
