Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
