I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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