ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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