I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Randomize
