nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
