had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
