First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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