u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
