Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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