Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
