he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
