My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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