I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
