Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
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Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
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red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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