there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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