Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
