Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
