You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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