i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
