i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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